I moved here with a set of assumptions, unanswered questions, and a heap of goals.
A couple weeks ago I came to the realization that I was not interested in staying until the end of the year.
I've been contemplating a lot of the reasons for that decision, and also reflecting on those ideas I had before...
What changed? What have I learned? What should I be attempting to get out of this experience?
I decided I would spend 8 more weeks teaching then travel around for a bit and head home at the end of July.
This afternoon I was working at the Starbucks a mile away from my apartment... It's the furthest of the malls in walking distance but since I had nothing else going on it seemed like a good idea to get a walk in. A student once remarked that all Americans have a crush on starbucks.
One of the things I've realized has been disappointing with this experience is that my assumption of moving here was that I would somehow have the time, energy and desire to more fully explore Guatemalan culture. Unfortunately the reality is that between safety concerns and the exhaustion of the job- I've gotten to do very little exploration.
On the surface level I've gotten a better understanding of Guatemala City... But I haven't had the time to dive deeper... I haven't even gone to a museum here. I've learned more about places in a weekend than I have being here for three months.
Part of it is the lack of access. My travel spanish can take me in and out of places but doesn't allow me to make roots. My work situation exhausts me so I don't feel like I am capable of taking on more involvements, including learning spanish.
So I'm not learning much from the people. My interactions with students are mostly work related, so I don't hear much about their lives, and one thing I've heard is that Guatemalans are not used to reflecting much so when they share it's usually very concrete.
More upsetting I suppose is that the exhaustion and general safety issues, leave me stuck in the same bad habits I have at home. I came here to have a new experience, to learn and grow and change, but I am drinking starbucks and eating fastfood because it's easy quick and comforting. When you constantly have safety on the mind, safety of avoiding traffic, safety of clean food, safety of not being attacked it becomes a comfort to seek familiarity. When you come home exhausted every day and know that you still have several hours of work to do, quick and comforting is just easier. It's not that I haven't tried many new restaurants, but the non thinking option usually becomes the go-to. This is the same pattern I found myself in when I was overworking at my last job. So where is the room to grow?
So what have I learned?
What has been good?
When I think about the best part of moving here it's the people I've met. I doubt they will be friends for life, but I feel really grateful for them every day and often think about the characteristics I enjoy about them. The more time I am here, the more time we cathect over the experience and it's just enjoyable to be around them. It's interesting to watch them grow and change with the experience- while I just feel set in my old man ways.
(Continued a few weeks later).
Strangely enough the biggest thing I've learned is that I am not willing to pursue things unconditionally. I am not willing to throw my life away over things that are not satisfactory, and if I don't see an option to improve the situation, I'm willing to walk away.
I've found my extrovert energy is low, and my need to replenish it with soothing tasks, personal tasks, mental and creative tasks is a strong desire.
More than most things, I look forward to creeping into my brain a little and seeing what is inside.
I wonder if I had taken some more time o pursue my own creative goals first, if I might have been more capable of sticking it out at this job.
There are times when I am uncertain if I even want to take the time to travel again while I'm here. The plan has always been to see a bit more of Central America before I go home. I had a list of places o visit, a goal to get back in shape, a plan in my head and on paper... But sometimes I wonder if I should just head home... Perhaps cut my losses.
I was doing the math the other day, and I believe that in the end I will likely have my entire time in Guatemala paid for, but will be paying for my own travel outside the country. What I mean is that I've saved enough from work that I can pay for a flight home, and even a few excursions around this country. But not enough to pay for an extra month and a half... But who knows maybe it will work itself out.
