Cuenca is easy and comfortable, I have been relaxing here for the last few days, taking in the tourist spots slowly.
I saw the churches, the museums, the historical sites, the malls, the commercial streets, the street performers, the rivers and parks, the monuments, the graffiti, the grocery store and more.
I didn't really meet anyone here though. Short pleasant English conversations while out and about. Awkward Spanish conversations to ask for directions or order food. Other than conversations on my phone, my longest in person conversation was on the bus on the way into town. The woman seated next to me wondered why I didn't have an English/Spanish dictionary so we could hash out a conversation. I bought some Spanish books the next day.
Travelling can be awe inspiring. You take in the vibrations, the colors and textures, the smells of a place. You see and experience things that are outside of your comfort zone and other things that challenge you to adapt and grow as a person. But it can be difficult without sharing the experience.
In the last few days I have noticed my mood turning more and more anxious. I've started questioning my trip, thinking about cutting corners, saving money, planning for extremes that may or may not happen.
I am supposed to be here in this safe beautiful city relaxing, but I find myself in my head too much and not part of anything around me.
This is part of travelling alone, part of the experience that requires you to fight yourself and your own self made worries. If successful it helps you build confidence in your own ability to deal, to entertain yourself and find joy in more places.
But going through it isn't easy. I am a worrier. Sometimes sharing helps me deal, so here are the worries I've been having:
Spending too much money. I have been over my self imposed budget by about 5 dollars a day. The next few days I will likely be about 20 dollars over...
Spending too much time. I have a self imposed deadline of decide 17th for a flight home or to secure work. I have checked off two countries on my original list of 12ish. I am a few days behind schedule but I am anticipating spending more time in Peru than I had allotted.
I am not learning Spanish very quickly. When I walk around town I can pretty much tell you what every store sells based on their sign. I cannot conjugate verbs, I don't remember verbs well, and any pronoun more advanced than "I" "you" "they" "he/she" baffles me. So most sentences beyond what a baby would say is rough.
I worry I will not find company. The next few days are in northern Peru where backpackers don't seem to bother to go (except the beach).
I worry about folks back home. This always happens when I have too much time alone, I start to over-think situations and sometimes have nightmares about people who I know are feeling vulnerable.
Last night I had a nightmare I was attending a funeral and couldn't decide what to wear (mostly because I was avoiding the funeral). When I get there I had to leave immediately from grief and guilt.
I worry about physical discomfort. Tonight and tomorrow I will be on a bus for about 19 hours. Sometimes buses are great but you still don't have control over he temperature or who sits next to you or whether the bathroom is working or where the next stop is. When my knee starts to hurt or I can't sleep these bus trips are like being incarcerated. I am getting off the bus close to sundown, without a reservation of a place to stay. I will likely be tired and feel gross from sitting still for so long on a bus...
But because I like to stay positive
Money is not that big of a deal. I know ways to save both here and at home. When I get home if I can find a job I could easily pay off a little credit card debt and I will cherish the experience far more. I also saved a shit ton of money before coming on this trip, and have money from family that I could use if I needed.
If I don't get a teaching job I could easily volunteer or work for a hostel and get free room and board(which is the majority of what I am spending).
Spending too much time is a joke of a worry. I am spending time getting to know places and people (when I am meeting them). Already on this trips I have met students, doctors, store clerks, restaurant employees, teachers, parents, grandparents, world travellers, yoga teachers, tourist industry workers, bartenders, artists, musicians, people who make cake! In short I am meeting the people of the world... how is that a waste of time?
If I am enjoying myself and have to see less countries, but experience the ones I do see more fully- that is not a loss.
Brazil and the Guianas are likely the ones I will cut. I have studied them the least, and Brazil is like a whole continent itself. I can go there another time.
It takes effort to learn a language, I am putting in very little effort to advance my knowledge. If I start studying more often and speaking with people more often than i will learn. As it is I can get around and do the tourist thing. When I dedicate myself to doing more than that, I will undoubtedly learn more of the language.
I usually treat finding company as a passive thing that happens to me. If I choose to seek out company I will find it. I also appreciate people more when I haven't been overwhelmed by them. A week ago I was spending entire days with people and my introvert side started coming out. Now I am sick of being alone so maybe my extrovert side will kick in.
If I were at home I would not have any more control over what happens to people. I've got to learn to trust and just keep lines of communication open.
Physical discomfort will happen. So will awesomeness. Sometimes at the same time. I can only prepare what I can.
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